here we go again.

I remember blogging this a while back about the past knocking on your present door. ..
blah blah blah.

well, here i am..minding my own business and once again 2 knocks on the door. The first one was acceptable because we had established some sort of friendship post relationship, but the second knock caught me in for a whirlwind. It came from someone who ever since I was a little girl have grew to really love. Someone who's been in my life for so long and has yet been gone for so long also. I opened the door (my fault) and everything we had ever wanted to say to each other poured out. We admitted to wanting each other so bad, but due to his living it up player boy *saggitarius* ways, and me not wanting to be in the category with his *other* girls, had us going around and around for YEARS! literally YEARS!
..the kids we were have grown into different people. He lives elsewhere with a girlfriend of 2 years, and i'm focusing on me, and doing me. How in the HELL did the universe bring this back around! After all the flirting, catching up and laughter led to the questions which made us realize that we have "unfinished" business. The boy even invited me to come out to visit and to stay with him and HIS GIRL, (guest room) and said that she doesnt have to know our history and that we will always be great friends, and she is willing to understand that.followed by innappropriate comments that committed men don't say..--- YEA riight -- what SANE girl will allow that, and how SANE am I to ever consider that lol.

The 2 hr long conversation escalated and everything we onced adored about each other was acknowledged and he stated " i love the person you have grown to be nikki." .. I felt the same. Knowing I should have cut it off, right then and there I entertained the past MORE, and got hit with the " what If i wanted us back" question. ... i literally froze as OF COURSE any girl who ever adored someone so deeply secretly awaits for the day when they FINALLY come to their senses; but as happy i was ...ANGER hit me more. How dare he wait THIS LONG? Understandable he went through a renewal process and for that I am happy, because if you only knew the wild guy he was!. I'm ANGRY at the fact that he has a new life as do I and he makes me second think EVERYTHING in one second! ...like i said, we have unfinished business, and a chemistry that has yet to officially DIE but why now?? why after a year or so has this been brought back in my face and forced to confront. Why do I get the same feeling about him as I did when I was younger? ...

I clearly know that I can't allow myself to go through the "story of us " part 2, because part 1 was sooo long, but what if i turned my back on someone who was perfect for me, but had to make themselves perfect for themselves first. Isn't it okay to be selfish. (slaps self). as i told him, time has changed the people we were, for the better. I like the way my life is going and whatever is supposed to happen I will let happen, as long as it contributes to the amazing woman I am today.

Signed
-confusedgirl.