do you miss me?

I literally HATE that question. Do you ever feel forced to say you miss someone when you don't. I suffer with that. truthfully very seldomly do i miss people! lol. i didn't even cry at my HS graduation. Yes, you build memories but I let it go. It came, It was fun, its gone. NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's a trait in me that I get from my mom, along with many other traits. We are the exact same in a social aspect. Honestly, i've grown not to be so much of a people person anymore. People are assholes. People don't care. And the sooner most people realize that, the quicker I can stop hearing stories and tears of friends who got fucked over. I laugh at the fact that I tell people not to have expectations of me, because i will FAIL them. lmao. its so true! sometimes i feel this is an ugly streak that I have about me, but if people realized how much i sincerely don't care to prove to be funny, social, or anything THE BETTER. i'm so much of an individual that it often freaks me the hell out. Is it bad that I'm almost EMOTIONLESS when it comes to missing people and GIRL friendships? no literally, the worst scene for me is "girls night" ... AHH!!! i don't even know what the FUCK i can talk to a group of bitches about for multiple hours. I've discovered that I have A.D.D...(intense) & i get bored VERY EASILY!! people bore me, so i get over them without feeling ANYTHING!

i'm probably the most loyal, warm hearted friend you can find, but sadly, i can live without you. Whats odd is that, I have grown into this person. I used to be the most people person you can ever meet; class clown in fact. (still semi am) ,,but i've learned to do things when I WANT to and not because someone else wants me to. I don't go out to be cute and prance around boys. in fact..., i HATE being hollered at by boys. it's far from ideal for me. i'm just not that girl!!!!!!!

i guess the fact is... i don't care about unknown people. a GENUINE feeling. maybe its because entering my years in college, so many people have fucked me over. OR maybe its just a growing up,,, growing different process.. whatever it is I'M NUMB to it, and think that's kind of scary. ... SHRINK!

Ex Files.

J-14 magazine asked for some "real girl" responses from the interns as to "how would your ex describe you?"
I was asked this question and realized I didn't know. You know how your ex felt about you but in 4 letter words what specific words would he use.

So boggled about this question, i sent my ex a message and simply asked him. Sure it was a bit awkward, but I thought it was a great question and realized that I TOO wanted the answers. Sometimes, its helpful to know the words that describe you in relationships; i.e. selfish,crazy, nice.....

my ex responded with a beautiful response, yet not the simple words i was looking for.

awaiting on response #2!

Makes you wonder, how do all the people you've ever talked to,...what words would they use to truly describe you. Ask someone !

thank you.

week 2 and my eventful encounter with unconsciousness is still a topic. UGH.
yes, i had a near death experience, yes I was in the hospital and yes i don't remember SHIT.

thank you bacardi.

All of that foolishness made me think why the hell do people abuse substances or even DO them. Do they really increase fun? or do they take away from the moments that you want to remember. Well, i can honestly say that I haven't given up on alcohol COMPLETELY but my drinking will opt for special situations.

There is still nothing like the feeling of being drunk. DRUNK not dead.!

Clarity.

When i woke up this morning, i felt extremely calm.
I realized for the first time in a while that I am blessed. Sometimes the recurrent struggles create a blind side and has you overlook the little blessings that come your way. This morning provided a since of "clarity".

With a new job that I am actually beginning to really like and an internship that I am in love with, a lot of minor bullshitness in my life have weed out. The thoughts that I used to have time for, and battled to get out of my head, no longer have space in my head as often as they once did :) THANK GOD!

Don't you love that? not having time to think about certain things or "people". It almost makes their very existence become NON. All the reminiscence is replaced with preparing for bridal showers, cleaning tables, setting tables, researching.. and quite frankly .., i love it!
DISTRACTIONS. In fact, I'm starting to feel they are the very means to remain sane, in which is the reason why everybody has one.

Summer 2010, you're a doll.

dumb dumb.

there are some things that people just aren't good at, and for me its DIRECTIONS. it's knowing my north from my south. I have come to the conclusion that that is my handicap and currently in search of a tutor. I need someone who can logically break down my west from my east, north from my south. Yesterday I got lost for 2 hours driving home from work. I live 45 minutes away and yet it took me EVERY bit of 2 hrs and some change to get home. No GPS, No MAPS...just a paper of written directions that when messed up once, put me in the situation to "find my way"... FUCK!!

it's okay, i will admit that I am not SMART enough to travel too far without a GPS.

WELCOME LILY!

I have found it again! that deeeep love, and joy that certain artists provide for me. AND i found it in LILY ALLEN! .. yes! i may be a bit late, but i am TOTALLY head over heels. The last time I felt this way was over John Mayer, and he still holds 85% of my heart. I have to make more room for this new chick because every single note, every single word has me SPRUNG. (yes i am extremely dramatic). I just love love love her! && i owe it alll to Pandora! ... i've always been aware of the musical genius of Pandora, and would appreciate listening then attending to my I-Pod. I thought listening to artists on Pandora then transferring them onto the Pod kind of takes away from the mysterious pleasures that Pandora offers. FUCK THAT. I heard Lily Allens music while laying on the beach and immediately stored it in my brain to plug her into my life. AND she fits so well :)

... If you don't know much about her.

Download.
I COULD SAY
FUCK YOU VERY MUCH
HIM

...lets start off in three's to see just how much you dig her.

HOTT HOTT HOTT!

WELCOME LILY! i'm anticipating this crazy obsession that I am almost certain will encounter.

here we go again.

I remember blogging this a while back about the past knocking on your present door. ..
blah blah blah.

well, here i am..minding my own business and once again 2 knocks on the door. The first one was acceptable because we had established some sort of friendship post relationship, but the second knock caught me in for a whirlwind. It came from someone who ever since I was a little girl have grew to really love. Someone who's been in my life for so long and has yet been gone for so long also. I opened the door (my fault) and everything we had ever wanted to say to each other poured out. We admitted to wanting each other so bad, but due to his living it up player boy *saggitarius* ways, and me not wanting to be in the category with his *other* girls, had us going around and around for YEARS! literally YEARS!
..the kids we were have grown into different people. He lives elsewhere with a girlfriend of 2 years, and i'm focusing on me, and doing me. How in the HELL did the universe bring this back around! After all the flirting, catching up and laughter led to the questions which made us realize that we have "unfinished" business. The boy even invited me to come out to visit and to stay with him and HIS GIRL, (guest room) and said that she doesnt have to know our history and that we will always be great friends, and she is willing to understand that.followed by innappropriate comments that committed men don't say..--- YEA riight -- what SANE girl will allow that, and how SANE am I to ever consider that lol.

The 2 hr long conversation escalated and everything we onced adored about each other was acknowledged and he stated " i love the person you have grown to be nikki." .. I felt the same. Knowing I should have cut it off, right then and there I entertained the past MORE, and got hit with the " what If i wanted us back" question. ... i literally froze as OF COURSE any girl who ever adored someone so deeply secretly awaits for the day when they FINALLY come to their senses; but as happy i was ...ANGER hit me more. How dare he wait THIS LONG? Understandable he went through a renewal process and for that I am happy, because if you only knew the wild guy he was!. I'm ANGRY at the fact that he has a new life as do I and he makes me second think EVERYTHING in one second! ...like i said, we have unfinished business, and a chemistry that has yet to officially DIE but why now?? why after a year or so has this been brought back in my face and forced to confront. Why do I get the same feeling about him as I did when I was younger? ...

I clearly know that I can't allow myself to go through the "story of us " part 2, because part 1 was sooo long, but what if i turned my back on someone who was perfect for me, but had to make themselves perfect for themselves first. Isn't it okay to be selfish. (slaps self). as i told him, time has changed the people we were, for the better. I like the way my life is going and whatever is supposed to happen I will let happen, as long as it contributes to the amazing woman I am today.

Signed
-confusedgirl.

seasons.

As we all know, summertime is the most justified time of the year for people to act up ! relationships take a turn onto "fucked up" ave, and broken hearts sleep alone. I wonder how the most joyous time of the year can turn into the most "heated" time. Maybe the seasons reflect relationships. In the fall time and even spring, everything blossoms. Things are new and fresh and actually enjoyable. The entire atmosphere of this season is positive and refreshing. As time passes, the leaves fall, trees get brittle, and everything looks dry. Then comes good ol summer time. A season of beauty. You never notice how beautiful the world is until those summer nights gazing off into space with the calming touch of a breeze. It's all so different, in fact... it's a feeling that you miss throughout the year. See the connection. Maybe relationships are just as fair weather as seasons. They blossom, gradually die, then you're off to looking for something new; trying to get that feeling back; ...

9-5 !!!

Starting my internship with Life&Style, InTouch Weekly, J-14 and Twist..i must say this is a blessing. I am one of two interns here, and the daily routines are rather simple. They provided me a breakdown of things to do each day (that I seem to finish in 30 minutes tops), and then have the responsibility to browse through different blog sites and gossip sites looking for our mentions!
Reading directly off of the paper by the end of my internship I should be able to:
learn how to use TVeyes to pull broadcast clips
w-write at least one issue release for InTouch Weekly and Life&Style Weekly
- Assist at a magazine event
- attend a beauty/fashion segment for one of the magazines
- sit in on at least 2 PR/editorial meetings
- learn how to write pitches for print and online stories
-pitch stories to the local media
-celebrity magazine round ups...
as well as work on an overall PR project (which I've done many times in my previous PR courses)

i am amazed by the people around me. They talk just like me, and that attracts me to this job even more. I work in the area with the editors, and publishers, so it's really casual and down to earth. I mean, jean attire down to earth. They're fashionable, and overall gorgeous people!

sooooo, my only liddle iddle widdle issue is this 9-6 movement! it's all fun and games when you have constant assignments, but the pauses in between I despise. I know in the real world their will probably always be something for me to do, but speaking to other people, this cubicle life can get pretty gruesome. noooooo!
Sitting behind a desk and computer and tv for 9 hrs straight is STRAIGHT torture to one! what genius created the idea of cubicles, and did he follow up his creation with a manual on how to keep your sanity and brain functioning throughout the day?

Nevertheless this is a great opportunity and I have already declared that I will work here. Just someone tell me how can one get accustomed to cubicles !!!!!????