I'm so excited to re-blog again, I haven't assigned my mind the task to relax and unclutter. It's cluttered with a years gap of undocumenting. How could I leave so much space between the old me and the new me? You have no idea who I am anymore. Skimming through my emotional timeline, WHO WAS I??? Much has changed, MUCH. Apparently I turned to this blog as an open journal. A needle and thread to sew up each disgusting wound. I'm not sure I can ever be that open again in life. LIFE. Speaking of, .... has grabbed me and handled me in ways, my innocently yet distorted truth would NEVER allow me to know. My eyes have opened and my bubble has popped. Good? I suppose its subjective. There is much to catch up on. New Jobs New Relationship views New personal struggles New hopes New main goals && the list continues. As I unclutter, I have to reintroduce myself. The old me... meet, the new me.

TALKING vs. RELATIONSHIP

i wonder, ..... are relationship problems more important when you are in a relationship rather than the "talking phase"...and if you have been talking to someone over 3 years, is there another name for it?... i definitely feel like talking to someone for 3 years or more consists of the same emotional investment as in a "committed relationship," but to outsiders, what plays a bigger role?

I have seen plenty of people brush off the severity of relationships due to the fact that both parties have not taken that "serious" leap, and therefore is not as important. I have friends that have talked to guys for years but have not established a full on commitment.

It is sometimes hard to take a friends relationship as seriously if you have never witnessed the couple in their natural environment,... it kind of detaches you from them and their issues. Of course, you are still a friend, and you listen and solicit advice. I've been on both ends of the spectrum. The one to be in a relationship and the one to talk to guys for long periods of time, and have had my relationship downplayed by outsiders. I get both sides. Understandable a relationship consists of two people, but there is something greater when your family and friends are invited into the life you two share. How could you date someone that you can't bring home to mommy, or friends? ... Me personally, I could never completely fall in love with someone who my family and friends have not had the opportunity to meet. It's connecting the two that makes your bond even stronger, because now they not only respect you, but your environment. IDK.

Problems are definitely taken in a different light when in a "talking" phase and having not witnessed the relationship and being in a "relationship"....idk, it just is.

New Years Revolution

I have thought long and hard and came to what i want my new years revolution to be....


although it will be extremely hard, my goal is to stop dating for awhile.
It's crazy because I do my best in school when i'm talking to someone, but for my last semester in college, I want to transition myself into finding a job and doing me. I'm extremely sick of the relationship drama, and I realize I can't fully dedicate myself to someone when I need to focus on getting my post school life together. Similar to a man, I too feel that I need to have all my dots in order to be something to someone. I know who I am personally, but now i want to explore finding myself in a business aspect. I'm ready to challenge myself and be amazing in my career, and I want to achieve that first and foremost. Too many friends I know are falling in love and accomodating their lives after college for their loved ones, and I can't imagine. I am 21 years old,;;no way would I entertain the "lets move in after college" idea. We have soo much to explore!! so many opportunities, and more and more I realize..... love will come. Maybe it won't actually, but the real beauty in life comes from the love of yourself. I tell people all the time, " you may never find someone," and most women can't deal with that reality. It CRUSHES them. Yes, we all want the happy ending, the kissy face convos. Once upon a time I had that, and it was amazingggg! but it ends, and at the end of the day, you truly just have yourself. Can you enjoy you if "he" doesnt come along? ... I want to go places. I'm 21, and my path starts now... anyone who trails along can enjoy the ride with but I'M NOT DATING YOU !!!!!!!

Lets play "nice"

dear blog,

so these past 2 weeks have been complete bliss! my last college homecoming was a BANG and i truly enjoyed those who were present during those two weeks!....from the past 5 days i have been challenged with a guy staying in my apt. YES! laying on my couch, eating up my food, and basically portraying that of a "couch potatoe/moocher". nevertheless it made me realize that its hard taking care of a man. There is a LOT of communication involved and if you DONT speak up, then u watch your life go into flames lol ( a bit dramatic but still)

i've slept for days at guys houses before, but living with them is a whole different genre. its easy to witness a mess, keep ur side eyed judgmental comments to urself and go home to your own space. I swallowed a lot the past 5 days. I've always been the type to make sure someone else is accomodated before myself, and that comes with a good and bad cost factor. The good is, i know that doing the right thing and TRYING to keep a positive attitude is morally right, but the bad is that it can eat you up WHOLE until your TRUE feelings are released. sooooo, i blew up. YUP i let him have it...in the uhm, most direct way a person can put it. even made him cry, which was NOT my intentions. Thats the thing, with me, it has to be said in bits or it all comes out in one breath. How do you attack someone mid teeth brushing? smh. But frankly, it felt good. almost a release of endorphins type feel. *SIGH*....

i love being nice and good to people despite their own motives, and the fear of taking advantage of. I always say that when someone takes advantage of you that is THEIR problem, not yours and ironically, the universe always makes those people feel it later.

I won't alter who I am in fear of getting hurt. its part of life, and quite honestly the pain for me never lasts too long.

AH well, he's out...the room is silenced again and I can now get my life back in order!

Signed

Seasonal blogger

AU REVOIR I'ETE!

goooodbye summer!
it was love! absolutely.
full of passion, highs, lows, happiness, sadness, excitment and all that follows.
A blessing you were.
i've lived it up and i'm ready to bring that summer energy on down.
Now is the time to fight.


Theres so much that I will miss, as this is the grand finale.
The last season to really be somewhat of a kid.
I'm interested to see all that changes post graduation.
Who will still be around; who will fade with seasons.
...im just observing and living

it's getting harder and harder to face the fact.....that all i want is him.

HARD.