I'm so excited to re-blog again, I haven't assigned my mind the task to relax and unclutter. It's cluttered with a years gap of undocumenting. How could I leave so much space between the old me and the new me? You have no idea who I am anymore. Skimming through my emotional timeline, WHO WAS I??? Much has changed, MUCH. Apparently I turned to this blog as an open journal. A needle and thread to sew up each disgusting wound. I'm not sure I can ever be that open again in life. LIFE. Speaking of, .... has grabbed me and handled me in ways, my innocently yet distorted truth would NEVER allow me to know. My eyes have opened and my bubble has popped. Good? I suppose its subjective. There is much to catch up on. New Jobs New Relationship views New personal struggles New hopes New main goals && the list continues. As I unclutter, I have to reintroduce myself. The old me... meet, the new me.

TALKING vs. RELATIONSHIP

i wonder, ..... are relationship problems more important when you are in a relationship rather than the "talking phase"...and if you have been talking to someone over 3 years, is there another name for it?... i definitely feel like talking to someone for 3 years or more consists of the same emotional investment as in a "committed relationship," but to outsiders, what plays a bigger role?

I have seen plenty of people brush off the severity of relationships due to the fact that both parties have not taken that "serious" leap, and therefore is not as important. I have friends that have talked to guys for years but have not established a full on commitment.

It is sometimes hard to take a friends relationship as seriously if you have never witnessed the couple in their natural environment,... it kind of detaches you from them and their issues. Of course, you are still a friend, and you listen and solicit advice. I've been on both ends of the spectrum. The one to be in a relationship and the one to talk to guys for long periods of time, and have had my relationship downplayed by outsiders. I get both sides. Understandable a relationship consists of two people, but there is something greater when your family and friends are invited into the life you two share. How could you date someone that you can't bring home to mommy, or friends? ... Me personally, I could never completely fall in love with someone who my family and friends have not had the opportunity to meet. It's connecting the two that makes your bond even stronger, because now they not only respect you, but your environment. IDK.

Problems are definitely taken in a different light when in a "talking" phase and having not witnessed the relationship and being in a "relationship"....idk, it just is.

New Years Revolution

I have thought long and hard and came to what i want my new years revolution to be....


although it will be extremely hard, my goal is to stop dating for awhile.
It's crazy because I do my best in school when i'm talking to someone, but for my last semester in college, I want to transition myself into finding a job and doing me. I'm extremely sick of the relationship drama, and I realize I can't fully dedicate myself to someone when I need to focus on getting my post school life together. Similar to a man, I too feel that I need to have all my dots in order to be something to someone. I know who I am personally, but now i want to explore finding myself in a business aspect. I'm ready to challenge myself and be amazing in my career, and I want to achieve that first and foremost. Too many friends I know are falling in love and accomodating their lives after college for their loved ones, and I can't imagine. I am 21 years old,;;no way would I entertain the "lets move in after college" idea. We have soo much to explore!! so many opportunities, and more and more I realize..... love will come. Maybe it won't actually, but the real beauty in life comes from the love of yourself. I tell people all the time, " you may never find someone," and most women can't deal with that reality. It CRUSHES them. Yes, we all want the happy ending, the kissy face convos. Once upon a time I had that, and it was amazingggg! but it ends, and at the end of the day, you truly just have yourself. Can you enjoy you if "he" doesnt come along? ... I want to go places. I'm 21, and my path starts now... anyone who trails along can enjoy the ride with but I'M NOT DATING YOU !!!!!!!

Lets play "nice"

dear blog,

so these past 2 weeks have been complete bliss! my last college homecoming was a BANG and i truly enjoyed those who were present during those two weeks!....from the past 5 days i have been challenged with a guy staying in my apt. YES! laying on my couch, eating up my food, and basically portraying that of a "couch potatoe/moocher". nevertheless it made me realize that its hard taking care of a man. There is a LOT of communication involved and if you DONT speak up, then u watch your life go into flames lol ( a bit dramatic but still)

i've slept for days at guys houses before, but living with them is a whole different genre. its easy to witness a mess, keep ur side eyed judgmental comments to urself and go home to your own space. I swallowed a lot the past 5 days. I've always been the type to make sure someone else is accomodated before myself, and that comes with a good and bad cost factor. The good is, i know that doing the right thing and TRYING to keep a positive attitude is morally right, but the bad is that it can eat you up WHOLE until your TRUE feelings are released. sooooo, i blew up. YUP i let him have it...in the uhm, most direct way a person can put it. even made him cry, which was NOT my intentions. Thats the thing, with me, it has to be said in bits or it all comes out in one breath. How do you attack someone mid teeth brushing? smh. But frankly, it felt good. almost a release of endorphins type feel. *SIGH*....

i love being nice and good to people despite their own motives, and the fear of taking advantage of. I always say that when someone takes advantage of you that is THEIR problem, not yours and ironically, the universe always makes those people feel it later.

I won't alter who I am in fear of getting hurt. its part of life, and quite honestly the pain for me never lasts too long.

AH well, he's out...the room is silenced again and I can now get my life back in order!

Signed

Seasonal blogger

AU REVOIR I'ETE!

goooodbye summer!
it was love! absolutely.
full of passion, highs, lows, happiness, sadness, excitment and all that follows.
A blessing you were.
i've lived it up and i'm ready to bring that summer energy on down.
Now is the time to fight.


Theres so much that I will miss, as this is the grand finale.
The last season to really be somewhat of a kid.
I'm interested to see all that changes post graduation.
Who will still be around; who will fade with seasons.
...im just observing and living

it's getting harder and harder to face the fact.....that all i want is him.

HARD.

Inspirational kick.

Last night after I worked almost a 10 hour shift, with no urge to go out, I really just wanted to read a book. I wanted to feel inspired again!, lol. so i went to barnes and nobles. I had my ipod and browsed different inspirational, career regarding books. The first book I skimmed through was called " Think Confident, Be Confident", and it dealt with self doubt. The book elaborated on being able to tell the difference between self doubt and realistic concerns. It was intriguing!

I learned that self doubt is what inhibts you from moving ahead. Its the very thing that controls our emotions,behavior, and how we feel. It provides the very thought in your head that you can't do it, and you aren't capable, or inept, even when you have PROVEN to be. DOUBT are false thoughts! they are not accurate and at the same time make you your own enemy. Realistic concerns is more like a warning alarm that goes off in your head dealing with more realistic things that you may not be qualified or prepared to do. For example; You have taken ice skating lessons, and now think that you are qualified to ski. Something tells you that you may not be able to just approach the slopes and do it off hand. That little signal sends a realistic message that you are not prepared nor skilled to just plunge the slopes. Maybe at first it may require training. .....thats an example of realistic concerns. Self doubt tells you that you are not prepared for what's to come, which stops a lot of people from being successful.

Think about the experiences you have done, the people who have praised your character and your work, the opportunities and good things that have come, and write them down. They are seriously your protection against doubt for the simple fact that whenever you begin to doubt yourself, future, relationships, anything,... you can look back on it and know that you are MORE than prepared and ready for what is in store.

Reading that was truly eye opening, and it helped me to be more aware of self doubt and taught me that it can be turned off. Thats the thing about doubt; we can control it; it's kind of the evil within us. It's false, and its our enemy that can many times defeat us. Everyday, by being good, doing good, and working hard we are proving to ourself more and more just how amazing we are. We can't let the enemy of doubt take away all that we have worked soo hard to prove not only to ourselves, but to others.


I hope this has inspired you as much it has me.

check out the book .... "Think Confident. Be Confident"

What the future holds

this morning i woke up with a fulll blown headache. For the first time, i had deep rooted worries! ...my worries stem from the unknown. Not being able to visually engage in what my future will hold. Yes, we are promised things, we work hard for things, and our determination is there but how far can that take us!

I'm scared. I know GOD has my back, and perhaps I need to lean on him a little more than I have been recently. I've been in the mindset of leaning too much on me, and one person can't hold all the worries and stress. It will kill me! So today as i exfoliated (lol) and took a deep breathe i decided to put a lot in GOD's hands. I started the early process of getting myself acquainted with certain PR firms, tweeking my resume, and networking my butt off with amazing connects! As much as I am taking in, and completely knowing of my capabilities the streak of fear still vibrates throughout my insides! ...i truly believe that our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure. I know that is my deepest fear. Sometimes i get soo scared of being amazing (as crazy as that sounds), and most times i want to fight it. It's no surprise that every job I've ever had I have left an imprint and have been acknowledged for my hard work and character, but something deep inside of me is so fearful! I hate the unknown. Although it can be exciting, it can also be one of the most scariest things ever. Right now, i'm experiencing scary, but as i always say...emotions never last, and the excitment that I know i deserve and long for will come once everything works itself out.

I'm remaining prayerful, hopeful, and learning to lean on the Lord more. I never believed in using GOD as a crutch. He does for those who do for themselves, but I am taking action in trying to remain calm

Too Friendly?

As usual, another GREAT weekend

but this weekend went down a different road that doesnt usually occur too often! ...arguments and stored feelings were released amongst my friends. It was like a friendship battle war and all the thoughts and emotions one had for each other were relinquished onto the other. it was crazy.

Of course i'm ALWAYS the good guy :) , so i watched for two days my friends attack and yell as i sit in the back staring out the window. some arguments are just not mines to jump into. When i introduce my friends to each when do the lines of friendship become too friendly tho? Should your two friends be allowed to hook up? Should they be able to invite YOUR friend to something w/o running it by you? ...alot of mixing has been happening which i'm cool with, but a lot has gone up in flames because of it..and that's when the problem arises. lol. UGH. basically, i HATE being the middle man. :(

ME.

Today i commend myself ONCE AGAIN on my bold and braveness and unwillingness to settle. I ended it with a person who was once my comfort zone. In a blatant and very direct way, i said " i NEED you to just leave me alone for awhile." ...hearing me say those words nearly shocked me, but then again when it comes to standing up for what I believe in, i've always been very courageous. When i explained to my friend the situation, she responded with " wow. i'm shock at your boldness. I never seen a female stand up for herself like you did. Usually females ignore, but you expressed to him and told him its over. Thats amazing"....immediately the first thing that crossed my mind is, are women really this weak? has she really NEVER seen a woman stand up for herself when it comes to relationships, and if so., does that say much about us?.
smh. whatever, i know me, and i know that this was a HUGE chip off the shoulder.
Settling has never been my style, and I sweep those who enforce me to, right under the rug; Tho it may take time. All in all i'm glad i know my worth and what i deserve. Many girls do not.

So back to living for me! &&&& kissing frogs! lol.

Be YOU! do YOU! ...at the end of the day, we are all we have anyways :)

Waiting

Seriously, playing house with some guy can get tiresome! but when?
How long do we have to ACT as if we are in a relationship without the words " I am committed to you." It's truly troublesome to me, and i guess i'm clearly the pawn in this game. I want the commitment!. How long can you be crazy about a person until you eventually turn just plain crazy! ...i feel like i'm SCREAMING and wanting him to hear me, but my voice won't elevate! I'm waiting for enough to be enough, I'm waiting for things to go SO BAD that leaving was amongst the BEST decision ever, I'm waiting for the kisses to go out of style, for the friendship to get boring, for the excitment to get dull, the laughter to become cries, the cuddling to become seperations, the quality time to turn into FUMING arguments, the date nights to lack sparks, the sillyness to transform into seriousness, and for the BULLSHIT to become a bit more vivid. I want to feel how I am supposed to, and not how I want to!

Fireworks.

HAPPY JULY 4TH ALL!!!!!!

my july 4th weekend has been one of the best weekends EVER! breathtaking && perfect. I spent it with good friends, new friends, old friends, and people that i really love! it was exciting.!! its funny because i had been goin through a funk earlier about certain situations with people, but it felt like GODs mission was to give me the best weekend ever, and he did!

From cookouts, to clubs, to random adventures to hoboken and drives throughout the Jersey && NY state, my smile had been the most genuine in weeks. lol.
it felt reallly good ! && ive never encountered "haters" until this weekend. pretty interesting, those creatures. lol.

Hope you all had just as beautiful as a weekend as i :)

do you miss me?

I literally HATE that question. Do you ever feel forced to say you miss someone when you don't. I suffer with that. truthfully very seldomly do i miss people! lol. i didn't even cry at my HS graduation. Yes, you build memories but I let it go. It came, It was fun, its gone. NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's a trait in me that I get from my mom, along with many other traits. We are the exact same in a social aspect. Honestly, i've grown not to be so much of a people person anymore. People are assholes. People don't care. And the sooner most people realize that, the quicker I can stop hearing stories and tears of friends who got fucked over. I laugh at the fact that I tell people not to have expectations of me, because i will FAIL them. lmao. its so true! sometimes i feel this is an ugly streak that I have about me, but if people realized how much i sincerely don't care to prove to be funny, social, or anything THE BETTER. i'm so much of an individual that it often freaks me the hell out. Is it bad that I'm almost EMOTIONLESS when it comes to missing people and GIRL friendships? no literally, the worst scene for me is "girls night" ... AHH!!! i don't even know what the FUCK i can talk to a group of bitches about for multiple hours. I've discovered that I have A.D.D...(intense) & i get bored VERY EASILY!! people bore me, so i get over them without feeling ANYTHING!

i'm probably the most loyal, warm hearted friend you can find, but sadly, i can live without you. Whats odd is that, I have grown into this person. I used to be the most people person you can ever meet; class clown in fact. (still semi am) ,,but i've learned to do things when I WANT to and not because someone else wants me to. I don't go out to be cute and prance around boys. in fact..., i HATE being hollered at by boys. it's far from ideal for me. i'm just not that girl!!!!!!!

i guess the fact is... i don't care about unknown people. a GENUINE feeling. maybe its because entering my years in college, so many people have fucked me over. OR maybe its just a growing up,,, growing different process.. whatever it is I'M NUMB to it, and think that's kind of scary. ... SHRINK!

Ex Files.

J-14 magazine asked for some "real girl" responses from the interns as to "how would your ex describe you?"
I was asked this question and realized I didn't know. You know how your ex felt about you but in 4 letter words what specific words would he use.

So boggled about this question, i sent my ex a message and simply asked him. Sure it was a bit awkward, but I thought it was a great question and realized that I TOO wanted the answers. Sometimes, its helpful to know the words that describe you in relationships; i.e. selfish,crazy, nice.....

my ex responded with a beautiful response, yet not the simple words i was looking for.

awaiting on response #2!

Makes you wonder, how do all the people you've ever talked to,...what words would they use to truly describe you. Ask someone !

thank you.

week 2 and my eventful encounter with unconsciousness is still a topic. UGH.
yes, i had a near death experience, yes I was in the hospital and yes i don't remember SHIT.

thank you bacardi.

All of that foolishness made me think why the hell do people abuse substances or even DO them. Do they really increase fun? or do they take away from the moments that you want to remember. Well, i can honestly say that I haven't given up on alcohol COMPLETELY but my drinking will opt for special situations.

There is still nothing like the feeling of being drunk. DRUNK not dead.!

Clarity.

When i woke up this morning, i felt extremely calm.
I realized for the first time in a while that I am blessed. Sometimes the recurrent struggles create a blind side and has you overlook the little blessings that come your way. This morning provided a since of "clarity".

With a new job that I am actually beginning to really like and an internship that I am in love with, a lot of minor bullshitness in my life have weed out. The thoughts that I used to have time for, and battled to get out of my head, no longer have space in my head as often as they once did :) THANK GOD!

Don't you love that? not having time to think about certain things or "people". It almost makes their very existence become NON. All the reminiscence is replaced with preparing for bridal showers, cleaning tables, setting tables, researching.. and quite frankly .., i love it!
DISTRACTIONS. In fact, I'm starting to feel they are the very means to remain sane, in which is the reason why everybody has one.

Summer 2010, you're a doll.

dumb dumb.

there are some things that people just aren't good at, and for me its DIRECTIONS. it's knowing my north from my south. I have come to the conclusion that that is my handicap and currently in search of a tutor. I need someone who can logically break down my west from my east, north from my south. Yesterday I got lost for 2 hours driving home from work. I live 45 minutes away and yet it took me EVERY bit of 2 hrs and some change to get home. No GPS, No MAPS...just a paper of written directions that when messed up once, put me in the situation to "find my way"... FUCK!!

it's okay, i will admit that I am not SMART enough to travel too far without a GPS.

WELCOME LILY!

I have found it again! that deeeep love, and joy that certain artists provide for me. AND i found it in LILY ALLEN! .. yes! i may be a bit late, but i am TOTALLY head over heels. The last time I felt this way was over John Mayer, and he still holds 85% of my heart. I have to make more room for this new chick because every single note, every single word has me SPRUNG. (yes i am extremely dramatic). I just love love love her! && i owe it alll to Pandora! ... i've always been aware of the musical genius of Pandora, and would appreciate listening then attending to my I-Pod. I thought listening to artists on Pandora then transferring them onto the Pod kind of takes away from the mysterious pleasures that Pandora offers. FUCK THAT. I heard Lily Allens music while laying on the beach and immediately stored it in my brain to plug her into my life. AND she fits so well :)

... If you don't know much about her.

Download.
I COULD SAY
FUCK YOU VERY MUCH
HIM

...lets start off in three's to see just how much you dig her.

HOTT HOTT HOTT!

WELCOME LILY! i'm anticipating this crazy obsession that I am almost certain will encounter.

here we go again.

I remember blogging this a while back about the past knocking on your present door. ..
blah blah blah.

well, here i am..minding my own business and once again 2 knocks on the door. The first one was acceptable because we had established some sort of friendship post relationship, but the second knock caught me in for a whirlwind. It came from someone who ever since I was a little girl have grew to really love. Someone who's been in my life for so long and has yet been gone for so long also. I opened the door (my fault) and everything we had ever wanted to say to each other poured out. We admitted to wanting each other so bad, but due to his living it up player boy *saggitarius* ways, and me not wanting to be in the category with his *other* girls, had us going around and around for YEARS! literally YEARS!
..the kids we were have grown into different people. He lives elsewhere with a girlfriend of 2 years, and i'm focusing on me, and doing me. How in the HELL did the universe bring this back around! After all the flirting, catching up and laughter led to the questions which made us realize that we have "unfinished" business. The boy even invited me to come out to visit and to stay with him and HIS GIRL, (guest room) and said that she doesnt have to know our history and that we will always be great friends, and she is willing to understand that.followed by innappropriate comments that committed men don't say..--- YEA riight -- what SANE girl will allow that, and how SANE am I to ever consider that lol.

The 2 hr long conversation escalated and everything we onced adored about each other was acknowledged and he stated " i love the person you have grown to be nikki." .. I felt the same. Knowing I should have cut it off, right then and there I entertained the past MORE, and got hit with the " what If i wanted us back" question. ... i literally froze as OF COURSE any girl who ever adored someone so deeply secretly awaits for the day when they FINALLY come to their senses; but as happy i was ...ANGER hit me more. How dare he wait THIS LONG? Understandable he went through a renewal process and for that I am happy, because if you only knew the wild guy he was!. I'm ANGRY at the fact that he has a new life as do I and he makes me second think EVERYTHING in one second! ...like i said, we have unfinished business, and a chemistry that has yet to officially DIE but why now?? why after a year or so has this been brought back in my face and forced to confront. Why do I get the same feeling about him as I did when I was younger? ...

I clearly know that I can't allow myself to go through the "story of us " part 2, because part 1 was sooo long, but what if i turned my back on someone who was perfect for me, but had to make themselves perfect for themselves first. Isn't it okay to be selfish. (slaps self). as i told him, time has changed the people we were, for the better. I like the way my life is going and whatever is supposed to happen I will let happen, as long as it contributes to the amazing woman I am today.

Signed
-confusedgirl.